the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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