I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
