haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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