I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
