U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
