:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
