You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
