The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
