Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think I just sharted jello shots
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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