It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
