Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
