you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
