If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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