You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
