Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
