the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
