I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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