I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
