If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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