i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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