You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
