Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
