Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
