i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
