new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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