I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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