Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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