I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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