I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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