theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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