no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
