real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
