I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
