the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
