You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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