ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
