Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
