I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
