we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
