I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
