It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That accounts for only three of the penises
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
