it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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