i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Everclear isn't food dammit
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
