well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
