Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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