my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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