The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
