Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
