i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
