I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Found your dick twin last night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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