I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
