Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
